Well here it is... the end of May 2008 and I don't really feel much has changed from this time last year, at least not pertaining to me personally.

The begging of the month brought both smiles and tears as the tenth year anniversary of the insanely talented guitarist and lyricist 松本 秀人, Matsumoto Hideto. I found myself wishing more and more that I had been born just a few years earlier so that I might have gotten a chance to actually see the man perform but, the videos of X and hide will have to do. The music is forever though and that along with the memories captured on film will keep a part of him with us.

I've watched the videos of the three-day Hide memorial summit (which I would've sold my soul to see) more times than I'd like to admit but after the first few X songs all I could do was smile. I'd been prepared for the tears but not for that. The band is still wonderful, though forever changed, and I cannot wait till September!

From there things progressed quickly (quicker than I would have liked) and the end of the quarter was here before I realized. Luckily I have been inspired, and/or propelled into work and my paintings for the quarter are only hours away from completion. With my other class 's projects taken care of you may wonder what I'm doing in the computer lab (my laptop is now an expensive door-stop, er stupid ad-ware spreading virus giving evil bastards!) in the studio rather than down the hall painting.

Well it's 8am, I painted from 11pm Saturday till just after 6am today. Yup! So technically I deserve a break, ne? Well ... even still I'm taking one... glazes are drying.... or well... getting dry-ish. Then I will return to the world that is painting, just me and my 6 x 4 foot panels ... that could kill me if they were to fall over... hmm... Next subject.

I am needy. Yep, that's right, you heard it here first folks!

But truthfully I am. In less than a month it looks as though I will have to go through yet another surgery to try and stay the damage to my wrist. Yes the side I draw with, write with, brush my teeth with, amongst other things.

.... and I'm terrified

This is a first for me as I have never before been afraid. Not of surgery, not of pain or blood, needles, stitches, casts, splints, Rx drugs... dying... none of it ever bothered me at all. In all actuality during my hospital stay the evening prior to my neuro/spinal surgery to fix the chiari 1 malformation and issues related there to, I was the one to push for signing a DNR (technically it's called something else in neaur-surgery cases but basically it's the same thing) stating that were I to suffer any number of complications and no longer be able to survive without medical machinery and care, that I want to be allowed to die.

Hell, when they screwed the halo (basically brace used to immobilize the head and neck consisting of a metal band placed around the head and fastened to the skull usually with metal screws which are drilled into the skull and are attached by extensions to an inflexible vest. ) on to me, the wound kept bleeding, blood dripping into my left eye and running down my cheek like tears, I was the only one not worried in the least. Though I will say wearing that thing was a bitch... can you imagine actually trying to sleep (in a hospital bed no less) with that on. That was one night I was more than happy to be drugged senseless.

(If you are interested in knowing more about chiari 1 malformation... [link] )

However, even as they wheeled the bed into the OR for the 9hr surgery, with the nurse still attempting, albeit poorly, to locate a viable vein for the i.v., I had no fears of the surgery, no nervousness, no anxiety... nothing.

I felt nothing.

So, why are things suddenly different with this, much less dangerous, surgery?
Sure I'm worried about being forced to rely on other people, something I loath to do, and sure I'll have to spend x-number of days drugged up, but, the fear I feel when even the briefest mention of this surgery comes up is something I truly cannot understand.

I know I will no longer be able to move my wrist, and thus will have to learn and/or re-learn to do things I took for granted before. My art will most likely suffer till I master this new immobility issue and I won't be able to write but I can always get voice recognition software for the later.

Though it kills me to say it.. I think most of all I am scared of having to go through this alone. Yes, my parents will help and I will have a place (rent-free) to live (though I'd rather live elsewhere than my old room) and yes I'm sure I will receive cards and well-wishes but when it comes to rehabilitation I will be alone. My friends are scattered across the globe and I have no one.